Fantastic Bore: Review

Say it.

Do we really need to do this Deadpool?

<click> Say it!

Fine. The best part about this movie was the Deadpool trailer.

EEEEEEE! Say it again!

No, I said it once, so put the gun down so I can get some work done here.

Fine. My trailer was better than their movie, my trailer was better than their movie.

Ugh, just ignore him. So yeah, this movie… it’s just. I feel bad because I can tell that the actors wanted it to be good. To be special, memorable, but no… just, no. Sigh, let’s get to it.

Still waiting for the "change" this movie
promised.

We open with a young Reed Richards suffering though being a child genius that no one understands. He tells his class that he wants to be the first person to travel between dimensions, and that he’s working on a prototype. Why the super genius Reed didn’t open with an “I want to be a particle physicist” or something to save his grade, I’ll never know. He teams up with local social outcast Ben Grimm, to build the said machine in his garage. Ben’s brother is abuse, and only shown long enough to say “It’s Clobbern’ Time,” once before beating his brother, and never shown again. They complete the machine, cut power to the surrounding area, and find some sand on the teleporter pad. Ben has the one truly memorable line in the movie, “Reed, you’re insane.” To which Reed responds with, “Thanks.”

Flash forward to the present, Reed and Ben have more or less perfected their matter transporter. And by perfect, I mean they can send stuff out and back again, but said stuff gets horribly burned. They get disqualified from the science fair, for some reason, but get the attention of Dr. Franklin Storm and his daughter, Susan. Reed is given a scholarship to the Baxter Foundation, a sort of Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters if the pupils were super geniuses but otherwise normal. Dr. Storm also recruits gifted computer scientist and all around &*#hole Victor von Doom, and his gifted but rebellious son Johnny to help with the project. After a quick montage of science stuff, a little bonding between Sue and Reed, and a “Stay away from my girl” speech, sort of, from Victor to Reed, they complete the project. The government guys show up, say that they love the fact that it works, and that they’ll get in touch with NASA to get volunteers for the expedition to the other world. Despite the fact that Dr. Storm had promised from the get go that Reed and the others would get to go.

My reaction to hearing "It's Clobberin'
Time" before a child was beaten.

Understandably upset, Reed, Johnny and Victor get a little drunk and decide they’re going to go through themselves. Why they didn’t invite Sue when two of the three characters have a crush on her and the other one is her brother, I’ll never know. Reed calls Ben to fill the fourth spot on their team, and the four of them travel to the other world. I must point out that at the, oh, thirty minute mark and we’ve yet to see all four members of the Fantastic Four on screen together at the same time. Sue and Ben haven’t even spoken to each other. I digress, on the other side they notice that the planet has unusual properties. Namely, giant pools of green energy. They travel down to the pools, and Victor rather stupidly sticks his hand into the pool. This causes a violent chain reaction where Victor is assumedly killed in a fall, Ben is covered in stones from the sandstorm tidal wave that is created, and Johnny’s ignited. Sue saves them for some reason, I’d have left those idiots to rot, but in the process gets hit by a shockwave of energy and starts fading in and out. And Reed gets stretchy for…reasons. The teens are taken to a secret government lab called Area 57, where their powers start to get tested. Reed escapes, leaving the others behind.

A year later- wait hold up. Reed Richards, the brilliant but at times naïve scientist, whom loves Ben and Johnny like brothers and loves Sue, leaves the obvious government funded establishment with seemingly limitless resources, for a year. No, just no. Back to the plot, a year later shows the head scientist dude, Dr. Allen, pitching the gateway and Ben to the US Government. The plan being to send another expedition to idiotically named Planet Zero, it’s the <bleeping> Negative Zone, to gather resources and hopefully learn how to reproduce the effects that gave Johnny, Sue and Ben their powers. Dr. Storm convinces a reluctant Sue to use her skills at pattern recognition to track down Reed, whom had been hiding out in South America. A military strike force is sent in to apprehend Reed, but he beats them up pretty easy. Ben gets dropped in and he drops Reed like a bad habit. Reed is brought back to Area 57 and is coerced into finishing the Quantum Gate on the condition that he be given the resources to fix Ben and the others. They finish the Quantum Gate absurdly fast, under ten minutes or so Reed claims, and a new team is sent in. Once there, they collect a few samples and readings before stumbling across an apparently injured Victor von Doom. He somehow found a green cape in the barren waste land of I-refuse-to-call-it-Planet-Zero-it’s-the-<bleeping>-Negative-Zone. Victor is brought back to base and restrained. Dr. Allen tries to get some information out of Victor, but he was clearly driven insane by the year of isolation and starts killing people left and right with telekinetic powers before returning to the <BLEEPING> Negative Zone to start his world destroying plans. It’s up to Reed, Sue, Ben, and Johnny, who are just now being all shown together I might add, to save the day.

My reaction to hearing "Planet Zero"
instead of Negative Zone.

I stand by the title I gave this post, but there are a few good things to mention. The effects were decent. Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan all did well in their respective parts, for the most part. They strike me as a cast that is trying to make this thing watchable, but it’s just not working. The decision to change Reed’s dream from traveling into space and the team getting irradiated to travelling between dimensions is an okay adaptation to the source material. For the bad, I’ve called in a few folks. Lady, Gentlemen, we'll start with Sue.

Why was it that I was the only one left out of the expedition? I’ve always been an active part of the team, and those four would not have survived in the Negative Zone without the suits that the movie version of me designed. Kate’s Sue was just as determined to travel between dimensions as the boys, so I don’t see why there was any reason to leave me out of the loop. And if you say, well there were only four pods, I counter with, "why the heck were there only four pods." Reed could have built a large, sustainable Stargate style Wormhole instead of the pods, even. It would have made about as much sense. Furthermore, my powers were very poorly shown. In one scene I can barely hold myself up above the ground, but in the next I’m hauling Reed and Ben into the air with no problem? That is just…stupid. Johnny, you're next.

I’ll admit that I’m not the greatest team player in the world, I’m hotheaded, obviously, and a little rash, but those aren’t my only character traits. Michael B. is obviously trying to be as good a Johnny Storm as he can be, but that’s all but impossible when you just focus on the rebel angle. I heard not one real joke cracked, or one prank pulled in the entirety of this movie, which are two things I do regularly. Also, uhm, why did they think it was a good idea to give me a welding torch when I’d just broken my arm in the previous scene? That’s a serious health and safety violation. I generally hate rules, but other people could get hurt. And, while Sue and I have some friction every now and again, she's still my sister. I wouldn't let anything drive a wedge between us. This movie's me and Sue always acted like they were walking on eggshells around each other. Biological or adopted, Sue is one of the most important people in my life and I would never let anything make being around me uncomfortable or weird. That's not how the Torch operates. You're up Benny Boy.

Okay, so why the heck did Reed get the scholarship, and I was left to fend for myself? Yeah, Reed’s the egghead, but I know my way around a lab and my way around machines. The movie Reed even mentioned how he needed my help buildin’ the dang thing, more than once. But no, Ben Grimm can’t have anythin’ nice. Can’t have even one chance to be better than Reed’s muscle. Also, my brother was my inspiration. He was a tough guy, and he wasn’t above knockin’ heads when Clobberin’ Time came ‘round, but he never raised a hand to me, or anybody, that didn’t deserve it. And why the heck did Suzie and me never get a chance to talk? I’m godfather to her and Stretch’s kids for cripes sake, and yet in the movie we don’t say a single word to each other. Heck, I was way too quiet for this thing in general. Yeah, I’ll admit I wasn’t feelin’ that great after becomin’ all stony, and can get a little quiet for a bit when I’m depressed, but I did my best to not let it show. Reed’s my best friend, I know ‘im better than anyone ‘cept Suzie, and I know he beats himself up enough about what happened to me without me addin’ to it. Take us home, Reed.

People aren’t my forte. I’m uncomfortable in social situations, and I have a tendency to get so absorbed into my work that one of the other’s need to snapped me out of it. That being said, I would never behave as rashly as Miles Teller did after returning from the Negative Zone. Granted, he was heavily medicated and confused, but he was clearly in a government facility, and the government has the best resources. And, even if I did leave, I wouldn’t have hid out for a year. Please. I could make a Negative Zone portal in three months, easy. Overall, this version of me lacked a certain amount of creativity with my powers. Aside from one instance where he shows off a bit of facial alterations via my body’s natural malleability, it’s just stretching. I can roll up, spread out, twist and contort in every way imaginable. Heck, I can even reduce my body’s cohesion to reach a fluid like state. And yet, nope, just stretching for most of this. And I'll turn you back over to our gracious host, Michael.

Overall impression. Bad.

Thank you Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben. I'm not their biggest fan, but still, great folks. Unlike Doctor Doom  whom refused to answer my calls. So guess I can do his portion. Victor von Doom was absolutely wasted in this film. I never got that he was the supergenius that everyone claimed he was. Sure, he had some fancy tech in his house, and he corrected Reed’s math once, but that was all over powered by the overwhelming dick factor. He wasn’t scary, he was just a jerk. Also, he later claimed that he survived a year in the Negative Zone because the planet their “sustained him.” If so, why did he act injured when the second expedition arrived. He could have easily wiped them all out, said “Stay out” to the cameras and then left it at that. But nope, he plays possum to get back to Earth to just go right back to the Negative Zone. It’s just so... screwy. Also, the bit about him being in love with Sue was completely unnecessary. It served as motivation to get him back to work, as friction for him and Reed, and was mentioned during the films climax when he tries to kill her. Do you know what motivation Victor von Doom would actually need to get working again? Being told someone smarter than him was working on the project. Do you know what Victor von Doom would need to have friction with Reed? To be in the same room with him. Do you know why what he’d actually say when about to kill Sue? Nothing. He’d just kill her because she got in his way. I’ll admit that his disfigurement was better than the original Fantastic Four and his powers were slightly better than just lighting shooting, but that doesn’t make up for all of this. And he goes out like a real wimp. Hardly worthy of the “There is only Doom,” line.

Reg E. Cathey as Dr. Storm was so generic it’s just sad. He is the disapproving father with Johnny. The speech giving father figure to Reed, Sue, and Victor. He dies tragically towards the films climax to give his kids, biological, adoptive and surrogate, something to bond over. Cookie Cutter Characters Cause Catastrophic Critical Comments. Not sure exactly why I did that. Which, yeah, I can say that this movie had plenty of bits that I'm completely confounded as to why they did it this way.

This movie gets a D-. I feel bad giving it so low a rating. The cast were clearly trying their best to work with what they had, but what they had sucked. The biggest strength that the Fantastic Four have is that it is a family first and foremost. It’s really hard to create that vibe when you don’t show the entire cast together until the very end of the movie. The chemistry between the characters was there, but it just was so poorly utilized. And there was just a ton of stuff that didn’t go anywhere. Ben’s brother is abuse, mentioned but never expanded upon. Johnny breaks his arm during a street race, but he recovers to quick it seems weird they’d even mention it. Victor is into Sue, but it really doesn’t go anywhere. Reed likes Sue, and it really doesn’t go anywhere. And I guess that’s the film. It tries to do so much, but just doesn’t go anywhere. I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie. If you want a Marvel Movie, see Ant-Man. I can only hope that this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, which will force 20th Century Fox to make a deal with Marvel. Next time, I’ll talk about the Silver Surfer.