Review: Guardians of the Galaxy: Christmas Special

 Peter really needs to sit these guys down and explain what kidnapping is. 

Alright, let’s close out this year with Guardian’s of the Galaxy: Holiday Special. All I know about it is that it’s the team trying to cheer Peter up after he was still depressed following Gamora’s death and replacement with a pre-Guardian Variant of herself. I’ve heard people are mixed on it overall, but that’s all I know. Let’s see how I feel about it, shall we?

 

Such an odd opening...

The story opens with a drunk man singing a Christmas song before cutting to an animated scene of Peter explaining the concept of Christmas to Yondu and Kraglin. Yondu is… unusually aggravated at the concept of being given gifts and tells them to clean up the mess or they’ll be on latrine duty. He then violently smashes the tree up, announces he hates Christmas (despite knowing about it of only about a minute) and storms off. We then jump to current Kraglin, sporting Yondu’s old fin, explaining that that’s how Yondu ruined Christmas forever to Mantis, Drax, and Nebula. Mantis is sympathetic… and Drax enjoyed hearing about the violence. Kraglin says that he saw on a multi-calendar that it’s Christmas time on Earth and that it brought back memories. Nebula admits she kind of agrees with Yondu, as the Guardians have been super busy remodeling Knowhere since buying it from the Collector. Kraglin and Nebula go off to do more work. Mantis mentions that that was a heartbreaking story, to which Drax agrees, saying he hates stories where everyone lives. Mantis looks at, and we jump over to, Peter who is signing some paperwork. We shift focus a little to Rocket Raccoon berating Cosmo the space dog’s sloppy telekinetic movement of some panels. Cosmo drops the panels after Rocket calls him a mutt and demands treats if he’s to keep working.

 

An alien named Bzermikitokolok calls Peter over to get his input on how his band is doing on Christmas song he’s been working on. He learned about Christmas from Rocket, who learned from Cosmo, who learned from Kraglin who learned from Peter, so this is going to be weird, me thinks. The first lines are normal, but then they go into a full rock song about how weird Santa is when you think about it. A nearly fully grown Groot is rocking out to it in the background, so they’re doing something right. Peter walks off when they’re finished, looking miffed.

 

The Hangover but with Aliens. And
Christmas.

      Back with Mantis and Drax, she talks about wanting to help Peter out by trying to “fix” Christmas for him. She wants to do this in part because of her secret, the one that only Drax knows, that she is Peter’s half-sister. I guess that she didn’t have the spark or whatever Ego needed to enact his plan. Who knew? She doesn’t want to tell him because she doesn’t want him to only think about their psychotic father when they look at him. She wants to get Peter the ultimate Christmas gift to make up for Yondu humbugging up Christmas and Gamora’s disappearance. Drax suggest they get him the ultimate hero, the one that Peter has talked about most in the years he’s known him. We cut to Kevinn Bacon getting his car and getting a call from his wife Kyra Sedgwick and saying he’s all set for them to have the perfect Christmas. Oh, Kevin, you fool.

 

Drax and Mantis grab a ship and hyperspace fly to Earth. Their ship causes several onlookers to start sobbing, as they probably think another invasion is happening. At least they do until Drax remembers to turn on the cloaking device. Their plan is to go down to LA and ask around until someone tells them where to find Kevin Bacon. Wow, this is a weird premise but I guess we’re going for it. They both think Kevin Bacon is some kind of king or something. They land the ship and start looking for Kevin Bacon. There’s a funny bit where Mantis thinks a street performer is the real Steve Rodgers and Drax threatens a “Gobot” because one I guess killed his cousin? Drax’s backstory is weird. They make a bunch of money from tourists that take photos and such with them. The segment ends with Mantis in another photoshoot and Drax beating the Gobot guy in the background.

 

They’re still wandering around hours later and end up in a bar. They buy a couple shots and ask a bartender where Kevin Bacon is, which he obviously doesn’t know. They get a shot, Mantis wanders off to dance and Drax is hit on by a rando. They have a good time getting drunk and partying for a bit. They end up drunk and sitting on the street. Mantis laments not knowing where Kevin Bacon is or even what he looks like. A lady shows them a “Map of the Stars,” which Mantis makes her hand over for free, along with all her money. Damn, drunk Mantis is a monster.

 

I wonder if this was the weirdest house call that Kevin
Bacon has had...

They travel to the Bacon/Sedgewick house and interrupt the start having a lovely night in. They ring his doorbell and get his attention, but obviously Kevin Bacon isn’t super interested in helping out two random weirdo’s at his front gate. Mantis blames Drax for acting weird and not wanting to talk to them. Mantis tries to formulate a plan, wondering aloud if Drax could toss her over the gate and maybe… her thought isn’t finished because Drax immediately throws her over the gate. He leaps over a few seconds later. He immediately steals an elf Christmas decoration, and Mantis scolds him before also stealing a candy cane decoration. They knock on the door and call out to Kevin Bacon. Kevin does the crazy thing and goes to check his front door. He asks them to kindly put his decorations back and leave, and that he’s calling the cops right now. Drax breaks in and tells him that they’re taking him as a Christmas present. Kevin runs through his house, Drax and Mantis in pursuit, before escaping outside. They get distracted when Drax realize he left his elf behind and argue about whether he can go back for it. … kay.

 

Kevin Bacon runs into the cops as Mantis and Drax follow. They get ordered to raise their hands or they’ll shoot. They don’t stop and the cops start firing. Unfortunately for them, Drax is bulletproof. Mantis then leaps through them and using her powers to knock them out. She almost gets Kevin Bacon when another cop car drives and Drax flips the car over. Mantis yells at him for possibly killing cops. She goes over to make sure they’re okay and gives them her stolen candy cane as a peace offering. She grabs Kevin Bacon and uses her powers to make him super excited to come with them. They steal a bunch of Christmas stuff from a store and take off.

 

As they fly back to Knowhere, Kevin Bacon explains that he’s in fact not his characters from Footloose or Friday the 13^th but, ya know, an actor. Drax and Mantis are immediately disgusted by this, as I guess actors don’t have a great rep in the intergalactic community. He tries to explain how great actor’s are, but they’re too busy being disgusted by actors to notice. Mantis uses her powers to make Kevin Bacon to act like a real hero. He at first tries to be a literal hero, a private in the British army during WWII, but Mantis corrects him, saying be like Kevin bacon if he didn’t suck. Oy.

 

On Knowhere, Groot is sent to get Peter’s attention and lure him to the Guardian’s surprise display. They strung up a tone of lights and set up some fake snow to blow for him. Peter is absolutely floored by the display. Mantis runs in and wishes Peter a merry Christmas from everyone before all the citizens of Knowhere run in to celebrate. They then wheel out Kevin Bacon in a box. Peter opens his present and is shocked to find Kevin Bacon inside. Peter is obviously less than stoked his friends kidnapped Kevin Bacon and orders Mantis to get him out of his super stoked trance when he realizes what she did. She does and Kevin Bacon is scared shitless by what is happening. Peter tries to keep him calm while ordering Kraglin to get the ship ready to bring Kevin Bacon home. Groot pretends like he thought it was a bad idea, Peter scolds him for lying, and Kevin Bacon gets more freaked out. Peter lets shim go and he immediately runs. He orders Nebula to get him. She runs after him “You can’t outrun me, Bacon!”

 

Later, Kraglin brings Kevin Bacon onto the ship and prepares to take him home. Kraglin apologizes about what happened and mentions that this only happened because Kevin Bacon means so much to Peter. He mentions that Peter told them all about the story about Footloose and how Peter saved the Universe via dancing in part because of him. Kyra Sedgwick calls, and Kevin lets her know that he’s going to be a little late. Kevin Sings a son with Bzermikitokolok and his band while the Guardians do a gift exchange. Groot got a classic Gameboy, Nebula got Rocket Bucky’s arm, Cosmo got Kraglin a dead… space rat, and Mantis got Drax another Elf guy. That’s sweet. Groot made everyone little dioramas of the events of the special. My favorite is Kraglin’s, which is Kraglin holding a figure of himself, holding a figure of himself. Classic sight gag.

 

Sibling hug!

After the song, Peter and the gang have group hug with Kevin Bacon before he heads out. Nebula is amazed that all actors aren’t pieces of shit. Later, Peter asks Mantis why they went to all the trouble. Mantis says that Kraglin told them the story about Yondu ruining Chrismas and how they wanted to fix it. Peter mentions that he isn’t sure Kraglin knows the full ending. We see in another animated segment that Yondu eventually opened his gift and got this little green alien thing, and in thanks gave Peter his guns. Mantis reveals that they’re half siblings. Peter says that’s the best Christmas gift he’d ever get and they hug it out.  The story ends with the two saying Merry Christmas to each other, and a scene of Yondu and Peter bonding before flying off.

 

In a post credit scene, Rocket and Cosmo try to turn Groot into a Christmas tree. He can’t keep his arms up forever, though, so he drops the ornaments he was holding. Cosmo says Groot ruined Christmas again and Rocket comments that they’ll need to do another special.

 

Alright, that was fine. I definitely think that Werewolf By Night is the superior special. But that was introducing several new characters and new elements to the MCU, this was always meant to be just a “oh, aliens are weird” gag story involving the Guardians of the Galaxy. I in general like Batista’s Drax and Pom Klementieff’s Mantis… but I think they tried to milk them too much for this. Mantis not understanding what an impersonator is and not getting how she freaked out Steve? Funny. Mantis not realizing that kidnapping is bad? Less funny. It was fun to see Kevin Bacon in this, though. Celebrities just playing themselves in a movie/special is kind of easy mode, but again, this was just supposed to be a dumb fun goofy set up. His song was well done. And, while the “the real greatest gift is the truth” bit is cliché as hell, Pom does sell it as a big moment for Mantis to know that Peter is happy she’s his sister and not pissed off at the reminder of Ego. Oh, and it was fun to see Rocket and Cosmo interacting. What? Unlikely animal friends are great. So yeah, it was a silly little side story. Kind of dumb in places but harmless. I’d personally prefer more Werewolf By Night style specials than this one, but it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen this year. (Sidelong glance at Black Adam.) It makes me excited for whatever Guardian’s of the Galaxy Vol. III is going to look like, so that’s a win in and of itself. And that’s all I have to say about that. Have a Happy New Year, everyone!

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